


living in memories

by lostsouldan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Angst, Fluff, Heartbreak, M/M, Pain, Past Relationship(s), Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-12
Updated: 2019-01-27
Packaged: 2019-10-09 02:02:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17397947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostsouldan/pseuds/lostsouldan
Summary: Having your heart broken sucks. That's all Dan knew about the end of relationships. That's all books and movies could've taught him over the years. What he didn't know was how it really felt. Until now. He didn't know how words could sting like bees and how the loss of a persons touch could make you feel empty and drained. Nothing in life could ever prepare you for that. And yet it had happened, pushing him into the ice cold water of unknown feelings and emotions.





	1. cold coffee

**Author's Note:**

> first of all, hello.  
> thank you for looking at this hehe.  
> this is my first work on here and the first work that i didn't write in my first language so bare with me. there will probably be lots of mistakes and stuff :>

Dan never thought he would experience the _after_. The after of everything that felt right to him, everything that made sense. But right now he got to taste how it felt. It felt like standing naked in the pouring rain on a cold winter day. It felt like acid running down your throat. There was really nothing nice about anything _after_.

He tried to convince himself otherwise, tried to tell himself that it was for the better. But it wasn’t and there’s nothing to sugarcoat it with. He still heard Phil’s words, that he desperately tried to believe, echoing inside his head.

_This has nothing to do with you._

He really tried to believe it. He _wanted_ to believe it. But now, nearly two weeks after Phil had left him, he could only laugh at his words. Words that stung like a bee, if he was being quite honest. He never thought words could hurt that much. Oh what a fool he was. 

He spent the last two weeks blankly staring at his wall, which was nothing unusual, but he didn’t even have the energy to think or question his own life. Something he found himself doing more often than he should. All he could do for the past 13 days was stare at this wall and watch the shadows fall as the time went by way to slow, dragging every second of the day into something that felt like years. 

He ignored every call he got and didn’t respond to a single message, generally avoiding any kind of interaction with people he knew cared about him. Dan didn’t want to worry any of them but knew better than to think he didn’t. He cursed under his breath as he realized that he at least could’ve let them know that he wasn’t dead or anything. 

_Stop acting like a teenage Girl, Dan. Get a grip._

If Dan learned anything over the past days, it would be that Phil wasn’t worth any _more_ of his tears and thoughts than he already wasted on him. So he got up, made himself presentable and charged his phone, ready to encounter the mess he left behind. Today was gonna be the day he moved on. 

“You got this, Howell. Smile.”, he said to himself, forcefully smiling at the mirror he was looking at. He couldn’t deny that this looked anything but real. It’s been so long since he actually smiled that even his cheeks started to hurt after a minute, like his muscles forgot how to do it. But it had to work, if only just for today. 

He grabbed his phone and unplugged it from his charger to check who had texted and called him during the time is phone completely died. It wasn’t much but definitely more than he had expected.

_7 missed calls from: mother_

_3 missed calls from: lucas_

_2 missed calls from: phil x_

He forced himself to ignore the notification that told him Phil had tried to call him and didn’t even bother to look at any of the text messages he got. Why would he still want to talk to Dan after what he’d said to him? Dan didn’t want to think about it and stuffed his phone into the pocket of his jeans, deciding that he’d give his mum a call after he had finished work today.

He grabbed a jacket and left the house, locking up behind him. The library he worked at was only a few blocks away and he still had thirty minutes left before he started his shift so there was no need to hurry. He took small steps, slowed down and took his time to just breathe. The cold air hit him in the face and let him feel somewhat alive. 

He came across a small cafe and decided to grab himself a coffee, spontaneously getting one for his boss as well. He looked at the small menu, scanning what the shop had to offer and went with an iced latte instead of his usual order, which was a caramel macchiato. Something he always ordered when he was with Phil. He shook his head and paid for his order. It was harder than he thought to not think about Phil.

“Enough.”

“Excuse me, what?”

He looked up from where he was staring at his coffee, shocked to realize that he had probably spoken his thoughts out loud when he heard someone in front of him speak up.

“Oh uhm, nothing. Sorry! Uh.. have a nice day! M-Marc?”, he mumbled, awkwardly trying to avoid the other’s eyes as he read his neatly written name tag. He could clearly feel the heat rushing to his face. Of course this had to happen to him. He quickly grabbed his two cups of coffee and left the cafe, happy to get out of this awkward situation.

This was not how he wanted to get his day started. He was just glad that he had his peace at work, where he could hide between giant bookshelves and the smell of old, dusty books. Maybe he could even reread some of his favorite comics when he had enough time. That sounded like a good plan to him.

After a few more minutes of walking, he reached the old building of the library. He rushed up the stairs, taking two steps at a time and pushed the heavy door open to get inside. He was directly greeted by the warmth this place held and the silence he loved so much. Sometimes this place felt like his second home. Sometimes. But not today. This place held too many, now hurtful, memories.

He walked past the different aisles of lifestyle and parenting, heading straight for the little back office of the library. He didn’t bother to knock at the door, knowing very well that he was welcomed in at any time.

“Good morning Maggie!”, he chirped, entering the room with a slightly forced smile. He _did_ miss his boss over the days, a very nice old lady named Margaret, but couldn’t get his joy to completely show on his face. 

“Oh dear! How nice to finally have you back! You look exhausted, young man. Come, take a seat!”

The woman immediately spun around when she heard his voice and beamed at him as she offered him a seat. Dan gladly accepted and sat down, placing the cups of coffee on a table beside him. She was right. He _was_ exhausted. And not even surprised that she was able to see. 

“Thank you, Mag. I truly _am_ exhausted, but I’m glad to be back. I think a bit of work will help me forget.”, he admitted, hoping that being loaded with work would actually distract him for a while. Margaret shook her head, her grey curls bouncing slightly as she did so.

“Don’t forget, darling. Keep the memories in your heart. Treasure them and save them for later when you will make even better ones!”

“Yeah, right...” 

How could he do that when everything about this _hurt_? He knew she was just being kind, but he wasn’t sure if he was even able to follow her advice. Or if he even wanted to. He took a sip of his coffee, surprised at how cold it actually was since it was nothing he was being used to. It was good anyway. 

“Was he here um… did you see him?”

He didn’t want to ask, but he had to. He didn’t want Phil to just enter this place as if nothing had happened. But he knew that it was more likely to happen than not since Phil worked at the library himself from time to time.

“No, dear. I haven’t seen him since, actually.” Margaret smiled softly at him. “Are you sure you can work again? I wouldn’t mind to give you a few more days off. You look like you haven’t had a good sleep in ages.” 

“No, no.. it’s fine, really. I- I just...No, it’s fine. Thank you though.”

Dan got up from his seat, stretching his tired legs. He didn’t want to stay home for another week or so. _Home_ , if he could even call it that. Dan saw that Maggie wasn’t really convinced by his words, but silently thanked her for not persuading him. 

“Is there anything I can do for you? Or should I start with the usual? I would like to avoid the kids book section if you don’t mind, but other than that I’m willing to help anywhere!”

“Oh Daniel, that’s okay. I can do chidren’s books for a while. Take your coffee and start with the usual, maybe dust some shelves. Thank you, dear.” 

She pulled him in for a quick hug before sending him out of the office. Dan smiled at her, this time not having to force it on his face. He hugged her back and rushed out of the room, heading for some bookshelves at the back of the hall. Some new books had been delivered and he had to sort them out and place them in the right sections. He glanced around, looking for some scissors that he could use to open the heavy boxes that held the freshly printed goods.

After a minute of searching, he finally held the sharp metal in his hands, ready to carefully cut the material of the boxes. The books inside were neatly wrapped in a shimmering foil. Dan almost _hated_ that he had to unwrap them, but on the other hand it was one of his favorite things to do; being the first person to hold the offprint of someone’s thoughts and stories, the first one to flip through the pages and experience the tart scent of newly imprinted paper.

He took the books out of the box and placed them on a table, scanning over them to see into which section they possibly belonged before actually reading their description. Some of them were simple lifestyle guides or biographies, some were fantasy and some were science fiction. He numbly placed the books that had the name _Phil Lester_ written on them under the table. He was going to give them to Mag sooner or later, not wanting to deal with them today or in the near future.

He should probably just embrace it, the stinging feeling he felt in his chest. He should be happy to feel _any_ kind of emotion _at all_. There were times where he thought he was simply _unable_ to feel anything. Anything but the void that engulfed him from time to time. You could say hurting was an _improvement_ for him.

Sighing, he continued sorting the books and starting to unwrap them. Moving on was harder than he thought it would be, but he wouldn't stop trying. No matter how much it would hurt. He heard a few people silently mumbling as they read their books, flipping the pages over every now and then. He tried to focus on that instead of his past love.

 _Books, books, books, books, books. Oh, sweet books._

_Phil wrote books. Goddamn Phil._

The silence of the library played a trick on him and left him alone with his thoughts. Something that definitely didn’t help in his situation. He groaned loudly, drawing some of the people’s eyes on himself. He quickly sent them an apologetic smile before going back to work. How was he supposed to get anything done, when everything reminded him of Phil? Maybe Mag was right and he needed some more time. Maybe he should’ve listened to her. But it was too late now and he would stick to his decision.

_Did I really think I would forget about him the day I finally wanted to move on? Wow._

Suddenly he realized this was just the beginning of a distressing journey that he hoped would end with him finally being happy again.


	2. ABBA songs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan get's home and tries to get a grip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello sorry for not updating this, i had a lot to do with work ahhhh. i'm so stressed even my therapist said i should take some time off oooof. anyway, here's the new chapter. it's only a filler so it's a bit shorter than usual. also i'm not sure if anything in the chapter made sense i wrote majority of it at like 5am and yea you'll see.  
> (not really edited :> )

Dan spent more time at the library than he realized, ‘cause when he opened the door to get out of the building, he was greeted by darkness. The streets of London where still busy at this time, though, and as Dan checked his phone, he noticed that it was only 7 in the evening.

The brunet ran a hand through his curls, sighing slightly as he shoved his phone back into his pocket and hopped down the stairs to get on his way home. The air was still kind of chilly at the beginning of February, especially in the evenings, so Dan tried to get to his flat as fast as possible. His breath formed little clouds in the cold air and he started to shiver as he realized that he probably should’ve brought a scarf or anything else with him to keep himself warm.

All he wanted to do was get something to eat and snuggle up on his couch. Maybe he’d get a blanket he could cuddle up to and watch one of his favorite movies or read a nice book. He didn’t want to spend another evening whining about Phil’s absence. He did that more than enough. 

He ran the last meters to his front door, fiddling in his pocket to get his keys out, eager to get inside. He let himself in and went up the stairs to the third floor to get to his apartment. 

_I should work out again. Oof. The stairs are killing me._

Dan breathed heavily as he opened the door to his flat, ignoring the obvious silence that now lay in the air like a thick layer of ice. He undressed himself, getting rid of his jacket and shoes before he made his way into his kitchen. 

The first thing he did was open the fridge. All he had left was some juice, since he didn’t buy any groceries for nearly two weeks. He was surprised his leftovers had even lasted that long. He realized that he would have to order some pizza for tonight, already calling the familiar number of the delivery service from around the corner to place his order. When he finished and closed the fridge again, he felt something press against his leg.

Dan looked down to see his flatmate, a little round red tabby cat named Potato, pressing his face against his leg. He picked the lazy thing up, holding him close to his chest to give him a kiss on the head. He barely saw the cat ‘cause it was either outside or fast asleep so he enjoyed the little cuddle session he got now. 

Holding the cat tight, Dan walked into the living room to carefully sit down on the couch, resting his feet on the table. Phil hated when he did that, but _screw him._

Phil didn’t live here anymore. Dan could do what he wanted. Hell, he could run around naked and sing ABBA songs as loud as he pleased. Not that he wanted to do _that_ , but he _could_. Phil didn’t share this place with him anymore, and Dan was more than ready to make it _his own_ again. 

He knew Phil still had some of his stuff here, maybe that’s why he had tried to call him, but Dan would make sure to get rid off it. He should probably take all their pictures down as well. It was better not to be visually reminded about what he had lost. He gave Potato some more pats before he laid him down on a pillow and stood up. 

Dan didn't know how _‘moving on’_ worked. How could he? He wasn’t prepared for any of this. He wasn’t even prepared for falling in love with Phil. And yet it still happened, letting him experience the best and now worst times of his life. But he wouldn’t change it for the world.

His gaze fell on the frames that held the images of him and Phil tight behind a wall of glass. He took them all down at once, for a second opting to just cut Phil out of the pictures like he had seen in movies all the time, but then he would be left with another hole that he didn’t know how to fill.

He should pile all of Phil’s stuff together so that Phil could either pick them up or let Dan throw them out of the window in heavy rain, the only dramatic action Dan would allow himself to do in this situation. Dan knew that wouldn’t happen, though. Phil was very keen on his stuff and probably very eager to have it all back. It was still kind of a kick for Dan to imagine Phil’s stuff getting soaked in the cold rain, absorbing the water like Dan absorbed sadness and pain over the past weeks. 

But that _wouldn’t_ happen. Dan wasn’t that kind of person. He was way too nice to do that. Even if Phil decided to not pick up his stuff, Dan would probably find a way to get it to him. Although he didn’t know where the man lived he could always ask one of their friends to get it to him. 

He found some empty cardboard boxes on top of his closet and dropped all of the frames inside, promptly throwing everything he found in the closet that belonged to Phil into it as well. Which wasn’t much, just a few hoodies Dan was way too attached to to give them to Phil when he started to pack his things. But now Dan wanted to let go.

 _Bye bye_ to the shirts and hoodies Dan used to hold close whenever he missed the other, _bye bye_ to the sweet smell of his eau de cologne that lingered on them. It was all too much now. 

Dan was glad he finally decided to move on. Even if he barely started, it already felt like a huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders. He felt like he could finally breathe again, feel free and not trapped by his own feelings. 

After Dan had dumped all of Phil’s stuff in the box, he moved it to the front door where it wouldn’t bother him so much. If Phil would pick it up, he would just hand it over to him and ask him to leave. He wouldn’t want to be involved in a longer conversation than was necessary. 

While he was thinking, he almost didn’t hear the doorbell ring and almost jumped at the sound, but got himself together again. He opened the door and paid the delivery man with more tip than needed before going back and placing the pizza on the coffee table. 

Now that he was done he could finally calm down and enjoy the evening by himself. He lit some candles, got his blanket to the living room and curled up on the couch, eating some of the pizza. Potato moved from the place he was asleep just a moment ago to lay on Dan’s legs instead, starting to purr immediately as Dan started to rub his back. He remembered that he wanted to give his mum a call, but decided that he could do it tomorrow as well. He just wanted to relax and watch a movie.

And that's exactly what he did before he drifted off into a peaceful sleep. Not thinking or worrying about Phil. Just … _sleep_. And this hadn’t happened for a while.


End file.
